I took the test three times just to be sure. Positive. Positive. Positive.
Just a few months earlier, my husband and I toured the Grand Canyon and celebrated one year of marriage. Then autumn came and blankets of colorful leaves covered the ground.
It felt surreal to know that a new life was being formed – inside of me. I nestled the white stick in tissue paper and a gift bag, excited to see my husband’s face when he opened the best birthday present ever. We rejoiced together and proudly shared the news.
One night late in my first trimester before we knew our baby’s gender, I tossed and turned restless. I grabbed God’s Word, knowing it would soothe me back to a peaceful slumber. My fingers grasped the book and I opened to the first page of the book of Micah. And in the quiet of the night, that tiny miracle was named.
And now he is a walking miracle, navigating life through the eyes of a 4-year-old. His energy abounds, his curiosity asks questions far beyond his age, and his big smiling eyes steal my heart.
He is a gift from the Grace Giver.
Time ticks on and leaves are starting to fall from their branches, a sure sign that autumn is coming once again. Another positive test is only a hope, and this season of waiting has been long.
“So, are you going to have more?”
It’s the popular question that stings the heart of the one who longs for another. I wish it were that easy, but reality paints a different picture.
Only God knows the tears that have been shed, for He catches each one. I see my boy playing by himself, and I thank God for his heartbeat — and in my next breath, I feel the broken. By now I hoped another heartbeat would be playing next to him, sleeping in the room next to his.
And then the guilt seeps in because I remember the childless. The barren woman who longs to know the feeling of life growing inside of her, the couple who has no children…who am I to even talk?
But I remember we are all broken in different ways, and no pain is insignificant to God.
The waiting room can be lonely, but it can also be where some of the greatest lessons are learned, because God does Holy work in the midst of pain. Him and I, we’ve worked through some things in this place.
My mind has wrestled the lies, but as I take my thoughts captive to Christ, His truth conquers. And I can hear these truths now…
You aren’t less of a mother when you only have one child.
Theodore Roosevelt once said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” The moment I start comparing myself to other moms who have multiple children, it robs me of being content with my motherhood journey. Feelings of insignificance creep in and sometimes make me feel unworthy of the title of mom.
The Father of Truth would never speak to one of His children in that way, and He gently reminds me that He looks at us through different lens than the world. Our worth isn’t based on how many children we have, but what matters is how we invest in the lives of the children we have been given. Every child matters to God the Father, and when we love a child or a village of children, we are doing Kingdom work.
You don’t have to conceal your brokenness.
Weakness may be shunned by the world, but to admit that we are weak takes courage. The weak, broken spaces in us are reminders that we need a Healer – a Savior. The broken places in us are just dark holes without Jesus, but when we let Jesus in He shines light through the cracks. In our weakness, His strength is made known.
To the woman or couple who grieves because children don’t come easy…it’s okay to have feelings and not hold them in. Jesus will meet us when we call.
God will give you the desires of your heart in His perfect time.
I have wanted to be a mom since I was young, and I thought I would follow in my own mom’s footsteps and have at least four children. Why would God put a desire in me so strong and not fulfill it?
If God gives us a passion for something it has a purpose, but often we forget that we live in a fallen world and not all is right…yet. When we put our trust in Jesus, we have the hope of Heaven, and the end of our lives here is really just the beginning of forever. Some desires won’t be fulfilled until Heaven, for reasons our human hearts can’t understand, but God is working all things together for the good of those who love Him.
Our unfulfilled desires can awaken us to our thirst for God, and as we draw near to Him, His will becomes ours. Our circumstances might not turn out how we planned, but if it’s His plan then goodness will follow.
A heart of thanksgiving is how you choose joy even through the trials.
The more absorbed we become in our problems, the more our thoughts travel down a road of depression, but gratitude can be a breath of fresh air. There is always something to be grateful for – a hot meal, a bed to rest on, warm clothes, colorful flowers blooming, an note of encouragement in the mail, kind words from a friend…
My little boy is one of my greatest gifts, and he might be my only one for now, but I praise God for the blessing of one miracle. I hold him a little closer, slow down and soak in his giggles, and gaze at his eyes in wonder that God would pick me to be his mom.
And I trust that God will keep painting beauty with my ashes, and the picture will only become more beautiful. There is only one God who can do that, and my lungs breathe easy because He is the God of my heart.